Before any disputes occur, let me apologize to you in advance if this entry offends you in any way, Mr Ridzwan. I mean you shared your views with all of us. I guess it is fair enough for me and my friend, Lin, to share our views too. But before we start on our views as a debate on one of your articles; I have to say you really have an interesting blog though. I like the entry on The Mat Dictionary. (When I fight and get angry, I talk like a minah, man… Oh No! Slap my face! Hahah! Stopitsiak! WTF!)

Even though I personally found some of your entries biased and unjustly argued you did manage to highlight some points; the problems in Malay community. I strongly agree with it. 90% of our Malay people really do have issues, especially the young ones. You hit the nail on its head in The Malay Marriage Mess. In other words, it is time for them to wake up. HALLO-WAKE UP PLEASE.

However, Ridzwan. These are our views on the points which you wrote.

Standards Set By Malay Women

I think it applies to all races - Everyone, Man or Woman. Some of what you have shared with us are true. However if you want to lay out your views on ‘Malay Marriage Mess’ in a racial point of view; you can’t be bias and heavy handed in terms of gender. I think all in all, it takes 2 hands to clap.

Standards, by definition means: the IDEAL in terms of which something can be judge. In the end, standard or no standard its all a frame of mind, a mindset. People’s thoughts and judgements vary. To one woman, a man has standards ONLY if he earns a million dollars a month whereas to another woman, he needs only to make enough for an average living.

See… Basically it’s all about the maturity of an individual, not only about “your Malay women whose standards are low” kind of ideology, each race have their own Boon and Bane because of the society itself, the people in it. It all boils down to the one key word here: Responsibility. Honestly, what is the use of setting standards or choosing men who are financially stable but not Responsible?

You also said, “Similarly, Malay women must collectively set a much higher standard for their men. For when they do, the heat will be upon us to improve economically and socially.”

We voiced up: Why rely on women to set the standards for men? Do men have NO drive or ambitions on improving themselves at all? No initiatives? Why is it that ‘improving the men’s economic and social status’ ends up being a Responsibility to women? So what happens if a woman sets the bar too high up? Men will then label women impractical or money minded. When women are contented with their men or married someone whose status is lower than them, they say women have no standards. (Pardon me for being blunt here - Have you reached to the level of high standard yet? Only you would know the answer to that. One more thing, let me tell you - The best has yet to come!)

You mentioned that Malay women do not mind their partners having low educational background or not having a good job as long as they are Nice or Handsome. Please don’t mind me asking you this, did you have a bad experience with a girl or did most of your Malay guy friends experienced this before? Getting rejected by woman who go for only looks and in the same time have a nice humble character? Until resulted in pent up frustrations that caused you have it out on women? That isn’t fair.

Not only does a woman desires a good looking guy with nice characteristics. I mean who doesn’t want the guy with money, who can provide? We want them to have responsibility and if possible HARD EARNED MONEY please. Once again it applies to all races - to every individual.

Some men do not have good looks but have fat pockets (I wonder where all that money comes from). It’s a shame that they don’t have good characteristics. They are proud and tend to look down on others, extending such hideous attitudes to their own race. I have a Question! Does money drop from the sky? Or do they start from a scratch like most people do?

Yeah we do agree with you. You do have some valid points about men having to buck up. However, some of your descriptions, about “Malay women not setting higher standards”, is something I’d have to disagree with. We are a firm believer in woman’s rights. And just because you say that the Malay man is lacking in his ability to provide, it does not mean it is because a woman has low standards. Think about it. What happened to being accountable for your own actions?

Also, still on the “handsome” note, if it is you, I’m sure looks and impressions matters. Given a choice, would you want a girl who looks like a hot actress and has good characteristics OR would you want a girl who is ugly and has good characteristics? Come on, we all know the answer to that. If you can have the best of both worlds, why not right?

Now you said, “When a Malay woman brings home a guy to meet her parents, little is asked of his financial position and education. The focus will be on how religious or polite he is.”

Where is the research/statistics proves this? Have you met all the Malay girls family in the world?

So tell me people, is it alright for parents from any race to ask these questions during their first meeting, like

“How much do you earn per month?”
“Where do you live? Bungalow or HDB?
“What is your profession?” “Are you self employed or unemployed?
“Whats your qualification background?” “ITE or PHD?

So are you saying that being nice and polite in the 1st meeting is not good? Like hello, naturally everyone has to appear nice during the 1st meeting with the girl’s family and I’m sure you or any other man would behave in such a courteous manner too.

Honestly, would a man have the guts to tell a woman’s parents this, “I have good qualification background, good family background, I stay with my parents in a BUNGALOW, I have 3 cars, I do not believe in working for people because I have STANDARDS. I have many credit cards. My parents are filthy rich. But too bad, I flirt, I smoke, drink, womanize like hell, not as good looking, but maybe I will change all that and can I marry your daughter?”

If its anything myself and everyone else have learnt, good education and financial stability is important. However, having very good characteristics is equally important too. In fact, more important. Why? It is Because in the end, if the man’s characteristics are good, everything will fall into place. If he is poor but is responsible, devoted and liable to the family HE has to feed, he will work his ass off to provide for them and make an effort to keep them together.

Tell me what about those rich people whose marriages didn’t work out? Tell me what about those people who have good educational background and family background but their marriages didn’t work out? Tell me what about those people who set their standards high, and they’ve achieved it but in the end their marriages didn’t work out?

What about those whose expectations are low, they have someone who is nice, who work from scratch, who work hard for what they want in their marriage, who aren’t rich but their marriage turn out fine?

What about people who have everything but their marriage didn’t work out? So what if you are filthy rich, but you are a womanizer? Will the marriage last long? So men expect us, women to accept and live with that? So what if you are good educationally, but you can’t be bothered to be independent and depend on your parents money or your girlfriend/ wife money? So which category does this people fall under? So is this the standards and terms that Malay Women should consider having before falling in love, before getting married?

In the end, its all about circumstances and individuals. Different situations calls for different actions and you get different outcomes. Your statements are too simplistic my friend. It is based on what you feel, assumed, think. Unfortunately, other majorities which includes you think and assume the same way too. And if you think that my opinions and thoughts are different, well I have more where that came from.

And if you were to blog about Chinese or Indian Woman whose standards are low, they will definitely feel the pinch too. And there goes people with their racism views.

Like I said earlier, it applies to everyone in this world. It doesn’t matter where you come from, how much you are earning, man or woman, rich or poor. Cos at the end of the day, it boils to only one thing - A Sense of Responsibility.

Typically, the Malay Marriage Mess are mainly caused by man or woman who are immature, and have no sense of responsibility and are selfish. In NO way is the marriage mess caused because only the MALAY WOMAN have no standards. So does that mean if a husband who is rich but sleeps with someone else, it means WOMAN have no standards? Crap!

There’s a choice in everything that you do. You must always keep in mind that the choice you make in the end makes you. Commonly people (man and woman) do otherwise. They starts to blame other people for what had happen to them. Which is why, marriage mess is a subject here!

Final piece from us

Different people have different opinions. In the end, I know that if I comment on something, other people out there with different views will comment on something else. It’s a vicious cycle after all.

It sucks that sometimes we want to say something, want to be heard because we think our opinions matter. Truth is, our opinions matter not to anyone else but only to ourselves.

It is fine with me if someone puts down the Malay community. However, if you do so and you do not have solutions to make the Malay community better, it sucks. I don’t mind if he made useful criticisms. That, I can accept. It’s like when someone tells me, hey your dressing sucks. Well, then my question would be, what about it sucks? And should I change? How should I change it then? His solution is weak, he puts it upon the woman to change things, change their standards. It takes everyone to make the Malay community better. No one can do it alone but it does start with one person. Lin’s dad who is a teacher for more than a decade once said, “I try to help the Malays, but they don’t want to help themselves.” That, to me is sad.

True, there are things I agree with, in his blog but if he felt he should bring up the race, well he should do it with sensitivity which in this case he didn’t. Although I come from a mix blood, I have to admit, I am a Malay as stated in my NRIC. But that’s not my point here.

Maybe he should just stick to this rule - “If you’ve got nothing nice to say, don’t say it.”

Lin’s boyfriend says this guy is just opening a can of worms. We can’t change his mind or others for that matter. Our thoughts differ from them, period. Her boyfriend added that, nothing else matter, as long as you know what kind of person we are. We don’t need people to tell us what the problem is because if we’re smart, we would know and work on it. No point discussing it and not working on it. He said we sometimes spend to much time battling it out, we forget that it is the solution that matters.

We actually admire Ridzwan because he dares to point out stuff even if it may annoy, irk or anger some people. But that is his point. All we’re saying is a different perspective, different point of view. All we’re saying is, “Hey shouldn’t the problem lies to everyone to work on it, when it comes to lack of responsibility? Instead of women having low standards!” If he can’t take it, well than that’s besides the point. Because in the end, the point is what everyone wants - to make the Malay or any other community better.

And If people say we are typical, well then, in their perception we are. Only we know where we stand. Besides, I think it is typical of people to criticize and not provide solutions because its EASIER. So does that make them typical too?

So if people want to comment on us, well, good for them because it shows that they have opinions albeit wrong or right. But then If they comment on me being a typical Malay woman and not being able to accept criticism, then my question is this, what is the point of discussing all these, when you can’t even provide a solution to the problem in the first place? All we’re merely saying is they’ve identified the wrong source of this problem, thats all. Now why don’t we, the Malay Community or everyone in this world, put our heads together and think of something or at least start by being responsible ourselves.

Sincerely,
Yanni & Lin